I wish i blogged more. I wish i didnt have to work weird hours to try and get money. I wish i was one of the lucky kids who know what its like to be spoiled rotten by parents who just give them stuff, and not a teanager who pays for college, for phone, 60$ a week for gas, and is on the verge of being kicked out. I know its all a learning experiance and it'll pay off in the end but it still bugs me...working..ew. :P
I wish i blogged more. So people whouldnt think i was a nutty slut. Talking about a diffrent 'him' everyblog. Well im not a slut, or a nut. I usally just have to blog about when i first hang out with a special 'him', and when things crumble with a special 'him'.
I wish i blogged more. So i could tell you how badly i dislike papillion at times. I miss the town of 2000. If it werent for Gina, idk what i would ever do with myself. I hate this school. I hate all the homework and the pressure to be over succsessful. I hate the teachers who think they know everything about you just by looking at you. Sorry teach im not just some pathetic fat girl who eatts 5 chocolate cakes on her friday nights. I hate how theres so much to do but everything cost so much do re mi. I hate how its changed me.
I wish i blogged more. So hopefully someone could help me with my relationship wth god. The fire is dwindling down faasst. I find myself not wanting to go to church anymore or youthgroup or participate in adventures with my group. I love god, and i belive, but why is my heart aching waayy to much for him.
I wish i blogged more. So this next story wouldnt sound so crazy. Last night i went to go see a movie with BK. We saw the movie Gone cuz he swore it would be fantastic. haha its sucked maaajorly. He held my hand through the entire movie and sneaked a few kisses here and there. Afterwords we left and hung around for a few more hours. The night all together was fantastic. I have very strong feelings for him. Whatever feelings he had for me are long gone now.
He lives in lincoln. I live in omaha. Quite a drive. HE was nice enough to meet me in omaha and hang out here. At the end of the night i gave him directions to get back home and i was hoping all would be good. But sadly it wasnt. At 1:14 am he calls me because he lost in some other town. I offer to help him out but instead he yells and hangs up. He then calls again at 1:20 yelling at me with the f bomb every other word. I rush to my computer to see if i could google map anything but instead he just hangs up. I begin to cry.
The last time i ever heard from him and probadly will ever hear from him again was at 1:21 this morning. He sent me a two worded text that hit me like a ton of bricks.
"Fuck you."
Thats wen the tears really began to fall. Im sorry im sorry im sorry! i never wanted any of this to happen! AT ALL! you wanted to see me i wanted to see you and we arranged for it to happen. Im sorry it hasppened.
I couldnt sleep at all last night. Even if i magnaged ten minutes of sleep i shook awake becasue i was so worried about you. I still am. I wanna know if you made it home. Im scared spitliss right now. All i wanna do is curl up and listen to skrillex and smells the rest of your linger smell that still hold onto my shirt. Im so worried! i cant stand this torture anymore! How many times do i have to text you until you can finally text me back and say your ok!? Please help me out! My eyes hurt from crying and i just want a signal to know your ok....
i just want something from you.
since you probadly will never speak to me again.
I wish i blogged more. So someone, just someone would tell me everything will be ok.
-Rachel
I know we don't know each other very well, but I hope you will understand that I want things to get better for you..
ReplyDeleteThe line, "I love god, and i belive, but why is my heart aching waayy to much for him." sticks out to me. It seems to me to be an oxymoron, a paradox. If you love God and believe that He is who He says He is, how would anything on this earth be too much for Him?
I know this world is broken and it hurts..and what that boy did to you was, as far as I can tell, unjustified and unfair. It is not your fault that he got lost, and even so, yelling and cussing at you is not going to help anyone :( I'm sorry he said those things to you..
With respect to God though, and your relationship with Him, I would encourage you to ask yourself where/when you find your relationship/faith with/in God to be 'strongest' and consider as to whether or not that is a sustaining thing. For example, if you get to God through something like a concert, and only that concert, then your God will fail you. A friend of mine brought that up to me one day, and I don't expect to forget it anytime soon. To find God, and to find Him in such a way that He will not fail you, I think it should be in a way that is not attached, at least completely, to anything on this earth.
But, of course, I could be wrong. That has happened before and will happen again.